Update: Where am I in terms of recovery?

Hi friends

Today I turn 20, which is both exciting and scary! I'm surrounded by those dearest to me, and my heart is so full.

Anyway, in the midst of the birthday celebrations I've got my reflective head on. I thought I'd make this post about how things are going recently, with regards to my eating disorder recovery in particular. Plus, I've been meaning to get some goals written down for this year, and what better place to do it?

So without further ado, what's been going on?

Well, I'm still having weekly therapy and weigh-ins, three years down the line. This is not so great, although for the first time ever I have a therapist I connect with, and who I'm actively engaging with. We're not doing any formal treatment type, although there are elements of CBT to what we discuss. This is mainly because until now, the more pressing issues have been at least stabilising my weight, and regularising my eating. I'm on top of the latter - in fact I've made huge steps in restoring my weight these past few months. I'm eating consistently and adequately, although admittedly I still struggle with variety, and I mostly don't exceed a maintenance amount (energy-wise). The orthorexic side of my eating disorder is pretty loud these days, most likely due to the whole "if I can't control how much I'm eating, I'll control what I'm eating" sort of thing. That said, I'm munching on chocolate as I type this, so I'm breaking down those walls every day.

Vegan coffee and walnut cake, courtesy of Boston Tea Party
Enjoyed within half an hour of waking up, obviously,

In the past six months, things have taken an enormous 360 degree turn. I've dragged myself out of a dangerous relapse and my life has changed dramatically. I'm in college, I'm making new friends (whilst cherishing my old ones) and I'm loving life. I think the sense of purpose which came with starting college has been hugely important; I'm learning that my problems largely stem from feelings of  laziness and worthlessness.

My biggest struggle currently is accepting my enormous appetite. I hear the concept of 'extreme hunger' thrown about by professionals and so forth but until recent months, although it's not something I've ever experienced in recovery. But man, if this is what I'm experiencing now, then it's hit me like a train. If you don't know what this is, I'll explain it to the best of my understanding. It's basically the process of your body crying out for food following a period of starvation. This often means feeling hungry, heck, ravenous despite eating supposed 'normal' amounts of food. It also means, unless you opt to ignore your body's pleas, that you end up consuming what you perceive as excessive volumes of food. You feel bottomless, and constantly ravenous. In reality, this is your body's way of fixing the energy deficit you've created, and restoring itself to its comfy place as fast as possible. For me, it's been relentless. I can easily consume four times the portion my Mum would eat for dinner, and my tummy will be rumbling within half an hour. I am hungry all the time, and because I struggle mentally with allowing myself to eat until I'm satisfied, I end up grazing on fruits and veggies constantly between meals. I'm not quite there with honouring my body's wishes, unfortunately. It's a work in progress.

My decision to temporarily cease exercise back in November was a good one, and whilst this creates internal battles for me, I am sticking to it. I'm on the hunt for a form of exercise which relaxes me, and which I genuinely enjoy. I'd love to try out yoga and as always, I still love walking. I'll get back to running one day, I'm sure.

2016 was the year I committed to veganism, and it is among the best decisions I've ever made. My eating habits have dramatically changed, and so have my attitudes towards food. Gone are the days of weighing things, obsessively counting calories and tracking my intake. Thank goodness, since all of those things are boring, and now I can shift my focus to other matters. Speaking of focus, I now have something so much bigger than myself to put my energies into. I am more compassionate and conscious in my actions, and I am learning to love my body for what it is capable of. I'm not sure how veganism has bought me all of these things but trust me, it has.

I'm conscious that I've been unwell to some degree for many years, and that with eating disorders, the prognosis gets worse as time goes on. The thought of carrying this illness into my twenties is terrifying, far more so than challenging my eating disorder in the present. I have to let this go, and perhaps this will be the year.

So, without further ado, here are some of my goals:

• Reach the target weight set by my team, and accept that this is a minimum as opposed to a limit
• Continue to challenge myself regularly with foods I consider "bad" or "unhealthy"
• Keep fighting to shift the focus from my weight, to other things like my social and artistic strengths
• Continue to expand on my bank of healthy coping mechanisms, and start to pinpoint what has caused me to relapse over and over in the past
• Let go of any remaining things which hinder my recovery, like unhelpful social media accounts and old food diaries 
• Ultimately, reach a state which allows me to go to university later this year.

Before I go, happy #womensmarch day! I pray that today will be a day of great change. Follow my pinterest board for all things feminist. 

 

Your ongoing support gives me so much strength. Oh, and to those of you who have wished me a happy birthday on my social media accounts, thank you!!! I'm overwhelmed by you all. 

So much love

S x

My Current Favourite Breakfast

Hi guys!

Let me quickly say thank you to anyone who has been reading my blog posts; the messages I've received warm my heart so much. You're amazing!

If you follow me on instagram, you'll know that I've been absolutely loving zoats recently. So much so that I've been making them every day, besides the days I have to leave the house super early. (That said, if you're organised you could make them the night before, or if you're a morning person, you could still enjoy these before school/uni/work).

I'll start off with the basic recipe I've been using:
About 1/2-3/4 cup oats
1 ripe, mashed banana
1/3 of a medium grated zucchini
Enough water to cover all the ingredients and to create your desired consistency.

And that's it! You could use any plant milk instead of water, or a combination of both. I just find that the mashed banana creates the creaminess that the milk would provide, and I'm on a budget so it works best for me. You could also use more or less oats based upon your appetite/requirements; this makes quite a big bowl. And with the zucchini, again, use as much as you like. You can add a sweetener such as maple/agave/date/rice syrup as well, especially if you opt not to the use the banana.

Now here's what I do:

1. Pour the oats and grated zucchini into a pan, along with your water. Have this simmering away in the background while you mash your banana (I use a fork), and get out your (optional) toppings. 
2. Once the oats have been cooking gently for around five minutes, add the mashed banana and mix it through thoroughly. Add more water if it becomes too thick for your liking and if it's too runny, it will thicken up the longer you cook it. 
3. After a couple of minutes, you're done! Add to a bowl.

Now to jazz it up! My favourite part. I've made this breakfast in a variety of different ways so far and I'm not even close to getting bored of it. My favourite toppings are seeds (pumpkin, hemp, chia...), coconut, cacao nibs, nut butter, berries and yogurt (soya and coconut both work so well). I also love stirring in some cacao powder once I've turned off the heat on the stove, as this makes it super chocolatey. I recommend doing it at the end since heating it can diminish some of the nutrients but don't worry, the oats will be hot enough to dissolve it smoothly. Cocoa powder would also work.

A couple of my creations

Oh and finally, let's address the obvious question: why on earth would you add zucchini to your oats, and doesn't it taste dreadful? I was dubious too, but hear me out! Firstly, it's 100% tasteless. The only possibly offensive aspect is the texture, but the longer you cook it, the less noticeable it is. And I really like the texture myself. Secondly, they're filled with good stuff like potassium, iron and various vitamins. Veggies most likely don't feature in your usual breakfast, so this is an awesome way of getting them in whilst still enjoying something sweet and tasty. Let's face it, zucchini is really healthy, but really bland, and I just love eating it this way.

Give it a go, and don't knock it til you try it! 

Love, 

S x

Hi!

I'm Sally and this is my first blog post... not really sure where to begin! I've wanted to start this blog for a really long time, but as with many things, my perfectionism held me back! I felt I needed to know everything. The best servers, domains, templates and so forth, which is a time consuming task! The blogging world is vast.

Yet time is passing, I have so very many things to talk about, and thoughts are getting lost in the everyday hectic-ness. So I've changed my mindset. I've chosen a super basic template and set-up, and I'm beginning from here. This blog will be a work in progress as I learn the ins and outs, but I can still share my ideas and interests in the meantime! Watch this space :)

I'll talk a little bit about me. I'm nineteen years old, and I live in a very beautiful, green part of England. I'm a city girl at heart, but I'm learning to love nature and I'm taking in as much of this area as possible while I can. I'm a student, studying Literature, Sociology and Psychology. Literature is my love. I recently started a new college where I know nobody, but it's been an adventure and I'm finding my feet! I'm also into all things artsy, though I'm definitely no artist. It would be amazing if I could move out and start university next year, but we'll see what happens.

After years of mistreating myself, both physically and mentally, I am on a journey towards self-acceptance and peace. I can't wait to share my progress with others, as I am learning so much with each passing day. I have come across so many beautiful and inspiring souls through YouTube, Instagram and Tumblr, and I'd love to make a post about them, since I can honestly say I'd be in a much different place if it weren't for them. I'm exploring the concept of mindfulness after an awesome course I took over the summer, and in the past year I've discovered a love for running and fitness in general. I am so lucky to have a unique and functioning body, so from here I will take good care of it, and use it to its full potential.

In line with this, I switched to a vegan lifestyle earlier this year after months of research and experimentation. My heart has been so full ever since. It's as though I've woken up after years and years of sleeping. I know this is the way I will live my life, forever. I'm avoiding going into depth now, because I want to give it the attention it deserves in more focused posts! I'm a real foodie as well, and I'm constantly coming up with new recipes, so maybe I can share those? Finally, I discovered the concept of minimalism not so long ago, and I've never looked back! So stay tuned if it's something you might be interested in, as I'd love to discuss it in depth. I'm probably missing out lots of things, but what I'm saying is that this'll be a really diverse and ever-changing blog. It'll be fun though!

I want to add, I've suffered with mental illness for many years,  and while I'm the first to insist that our illnesses do not define us, it's a topic I'll touch on here from time to time. A combination of personal experiences and my time on social media has forced me to realise that mental illness is an immeasurably prominent problem in society today, and there are still so many people suffering in silence. Since I have the means, I think it's my duty to contribute my voice to the topic, which is why I'll try to be totally transparent and real. I've been suffering with Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Anxiety, combined with severe emetophobia, for at least the past six years. About three to four years ago, Anorexia Nervosa came to join the party. I'm well on the road to full recovery, but you can follow my instagram where I talk more about my daily struggles with these.

 


If you're reading this, welcome to my blog! I hope you'll join me on this adventure.

Lots of love,

S xxx