Update: Where am I in terms of recovery?

Hi friends

Today I turn 20, which is both exciting and scary! I'm surrounded by those dearest to me, and my heart is so full.

Anyway, in the midst of the birthday celebrations I've got my reflective head on. I thought I'd make this post about how things are going recently, with regards to my eating disorder recovery in particular. Plus, I've been meaning to get some goals written down for this year, and what better place to do it?

So without further ado, what's been going on?

Well, I'm still having weekly therapy and weigh-ins, three years down the line. This is not so great, although for the first time ever I have a therapist I connect with, and who I'm actively engaging with. We're not doing any formal treatment type, although there are elements of CBT to what we discuss. This is mainly because until now, the more pressing issues have been at least stabilising my weight, and regularising my eating. I'm on top of the latter - in fact I've made huge steps in restoring my weight these past few months. I'm eating consistently and adequately, although admittedly I still struggle with variety, and I mostly don't exceed a maintenance amount (energy-wise). The orthorexic side of my eating disorder is pretty loud these days, most likely due to the whole "if I can't control how much I'm eating, I'll control what I'm eating" sort of thing. That said, I'm munching on chocolate as I type this, so I'm breaking down those walls every day.

Vegan coffee and walnut cake, courtesy of Boston Tea Party
Enjoyed within half an hour of waking up, obviously,

In the past six months, things have taken an enormous 360 degree turn. I've dragged myself out of a dangerous relapse and my life has changed dramatically. I'm in college, I'm making new friends (whilst cherishing my old ones) and I'm loving life. I think the sense of purpose which came with starting college has been hugely important; I'm learning that my problems largely stem from feelings of  laziness and worthlessness.

My biggest struggle currently is accepting my enormous appetite. I hear the concept of 'extreme hunger' thrown about by professionals and so forth but until recent months, although it's not something I've ever experienced in recovery. But man, if this is what I'm experiencing now, then it's hit me like a train. If you don't know what this is, I'll explain it to the best of my understanding. It's basically the process of your body crying out for food following a period of starvation. This often means feeling hungry, heck, ravenous despite eating supposed 'normal' amounts of food. It also means, unless you opt to ignore your body's pleas, that you end up consuming what you perceive as excessive volumes of food. You feel bottomless, and constantly ravenous. In reality, this is your body's way of fixing the energy deficit you've created, and restoring itself to its comfy place as fast as possible. For me, it's been relentless. I can easily consume four times the portion my Mum would eat for dinner, and my tummy will be rumbling within half an hour. I am hungry all the time, and because I struggle mentally with allowing myself to eat until I'm satisfied, I end up grazing on fruits and veggies constantly between meals. I'm not quite there with honouring my body's wishes, unfortunately. It's a work in progress.

My decision to temporarily cease exercise back in November was a good one, and whilst this creates internal battles for me, I am sticking to it. I'm on the hunt for a form of exercise which relaxes me, and which I genuinely enjoy. I'd love to try out yoga and as always, I still love walking. I'll get back to running one day, I'm sure.

2016 was the year I committed to veganism, and it is among the best decisions I've ever made. My eating habits have dramatically changed, and so have my attitudes towards food. Gone are the days of weighing things, obsessively counting calories and tracking my intake. Thank goodness, since all of those things are boring, and now I can shift my focus to other matters. Speaking of focus, I now have something so much bigger than myself to put my energies into. I am more compassionate and conscious in my actions, and I am learning to love my body for what it is capable of. I'm not sure how veganism has bought me all of these things but trust me, it has.

I'm conscious that I've been unwell to some degree for many years, and that with eating disorders, the prognosis gets worse as time goes on. The thought of carrying this illness into my twenties is terrifying, far more so than challenging my eating disorder in the present. I have to let this go, and perhaps this will be the year.

So, without further ado, here are some of my goals:

• Reach the target weight set by my team, and accept that this is a minimum as opposed to a limit
• Continue to challenge myself regularly with foods I consider "bad" or "unhealthy"
• Keep fighting to shift the focus from my weight, to other things like my social and artistic strengths
• Continue to expand on my bank of healthy coping mechanisms, and start to pinpoint what has caused me to relapse over and over in the past
• Let go of any remaining things which hinder my recovery, like unhelpful social media accounts and old food diaries 
• Ultimately, reach a state which allows me to go to university later this year.

Before I go, happy #womensmarch day! I pray that today will be a day of great change. Follow my pinterest board for all things feminist. 

 

Your ongoing support gives me so much strength. Oh, and to those of you who have wished me a happy birthday on my social media accounts, thank you!!! I'm overwhelmed by you all. 

So much love

S x

The Body Image Pledge

Hello!

I was inspired to write this after watching Jenny Mustard's video, The Body Image Pledge. This is a pretty personal post, but I don't want to censor myself on this blog and besides, maybe somebody can relate. Let's talk about body image!

I have always had a complicated relationship with my body which, in retrospect, began very early in life. My body has always been a source of shame and embarrassment. As a child, I feared close-fitting clothing and was insistent on wearing a big padded coat at all times, even indoors. Apologies to my Mum; it drove her crazy. As soon as I discovered the link between food and body shape, my childhood became punctuated by secret diets, which were sadly also common playground chat. But the diets were always short lived and besides, I was such a foodie; my appetite was always marveled at (and still is, haha).

My habit of wearing multiple layers in the scorching summer was passed off as me being a "cold person", and any talks about puberty or periods in school made me sick with dread. I was afraid of change, and I wanted to maintain my skinny child-like body forever. I actually remember telling my friends "but I don't want boobs" (nineteen year old me wholeheartedly retracts that).

Such was my fear, that I refused to discuss any relating matters with those around me. And of course, the inevitable happened. Puberty hit me like a train. My face filled out, my hips widened, my legs thickened. I hated everything about this, and felt awkward, self conscious and exposed most of the time. I wanted to be smaller, less noticeable, more discreet. I regret this now.

Body shaming is really commonplace in today's society. On one side of the spectrum, overweight people are shamed and stamped with derogatory labels. On another side, we can become so concerned with eliminating fat shaming, that naturally thin girls are no longer considered "real women". These are only a couple of examples, and this is so wrong. The media breeds self-criticism, so that we can no longer win; we are always too fat, too thin, too masculine, too bulky. Too curvy, not curvy enough. Discussions about important things (art, literature, politics and so on) are being replaced with gossip about which celebrity has or has not succumbed to plastic surgery. Which fad diet to follow, which attributes make us most attractive to men.

Fast forwards to now, and I'm a young woman. It feels strange to say that, but the reality is I'm most likely done growing. I am nothing like I used to be. I still struggle with my body image, and I'm sure that body dysmorphia distorts my view so that what I see in the mirror is innacurate. But by the day, I am more aware of my own strengths and quirks, none of which relate to my physical appearance. My goal is a strong and healthy body, and one which will allow me to go wherever my mind takes me in the future. Whether this body be curvy and full, or slim and athletic, is of no relevance. I no longer aspire to a certain physique, but a new way of seeing. I will engage in healthy habits and look after myself, with the trust that a natural and healthy body will follow.

Now onto Jenny's pledge, which sums this up so perfectly.

www.youtube.com/jennymustard

1. I pledge to shift focus from being pretty & skinny, to being healthy and kind
2. I pledge to never again make a negative comment about another person's body
3. I pledge to stop supporting media that engages in body shaming
4. I pledge to be a positive influence in my own environment

www.youtube.com/jennymustard

It is time to reclaim our bodies. Feel free to join me in this pledge by making changes to how you view yours, and others' bodies.

S xxx