Update: Where am I in terms of recovery?

Hi friends

Today I turn 20, which is both exciting and scary! I'm surrounded by those dearest to me, and my heart is so full.

Anyway, in the midst of the birthday celebrations I've got my reflective head on. I thought I'd make this post about how things are going recently, with regards to my eating disorder recovery in particular. Plus, I've been meaning to get some goals written down for this year, and what better place to do it?

So without further ado, what's been going on?

Well, I'm still having weekly therapy and weigh-ins, three years down the line. This is not so great, although for the first time ever I have a therapist I connect with, and who I'm actively engaging with. We're not doing any formal treatment type, although there are elements of CBT to what we discuss. This is mainly because until now, the more pressing issues have been at least stabilising my weight, and regularising my eating. I'm on top of the latter - in fact I've made huge steps in restoring my weight these past few months. I'm eating consistently and adequately, although admittedly I still struggle with variety, and I mostly don't exceed a maintenance amount (energy-wise). The orthorexic side of my eating disorder is pretty loud these days, most likely due to the whole "if I can't control how much I'm eating, I'll control what I'm eating" sort of thing. That said, I'm munching on chocolate as I type this, so I'm breaking down those walls every day.

Vegan coffee and walnut cake, courtesy of Boston Tea Party
Enjoyed within half an hour of waking up, obviously,

In the past six months, things have taken an enormous 360 degree turn. I've dragged myself out of a dangerous relapse and my life has changed dramatically. I'm in college, I'm making new friends (whilst cherishing my old ones) and I'm loving life. I think the sense of purpose which came with starting college has been hugely important; I'm learning that my problems largely stem from feelings of  laziness and worthlessness.

My biggest struggle currently is accepting my enormous appetite. I hear the concept of 'extreme hunger' thrown about by professionals and so forth but until recent months, although it's not something I've ever experienced in recovery. But man, if this is what I'm experiencing now, then it's hit me like a train. If you don't know what this is, I'll explain it to the best of my understanding. It's basically the process of your body crying out for food following a period of starvation. This often means feeling hungry, heck, ravenous despite eating supposed 'normal' amounts of food. It also means, unless you opt to ignore your body's pleas, that you end up consuming what you perceive as excessive volumes of food. You feel bottomless, and constantly ravenous. In reality, this is your body's way of fixing the energy deficit you've created, and restoring itself to its comfy place as fast as possible. For me, it's been relentless. I can easily consume four times the portion my Mum would eat for dinner, and my tummy will be rumbling within half an hour. I am hungry all the time, and because I struggle mentally with allowing myself to eat until I'm satisfied, I end up grazing on fruits and veggies constantly between meals. I'm not quite there with honouring my body's wishes, unfortunately. It's a work in progress.

My decision to temporarily cease exercise back in November was a good one, and whilst this creates internal battles for me, I am sticking to it. I'm on the hunt for a form of exercise which relaxes me, and which I genuinely enjoy. I'd love to try out yoga and as always, I still love walking. I'll get back to running one day, I'm sure.

2016 was the year I committed to veganism, and it is among the best decisions I've ever made. My eating habits have dramatically changed, and so have my attitudes towards food. Gone are the days of weighing things, obsessively counting calories and tracking my intake. Thank goodness, since all of those things are boring, and now I can shift my focus to other matters. Speaking of focus, I now have something so much bigger than myself to put my energies into. I am more compassionate and conscious in my actions, and I am learning to love my body for what it is capable of. I'm not sure how veganism has bought me all of these things but trust me, it has.

I'm conscious that I've been unwell to some degree for many years, and that with eating disorders, the prognosis gets worse as time goes on. The thought of carrying this illness into my twenties is terrifying, far more so than challenging my eating disorder in the present. I have to let this go, and perhaps this will be the year.

So, without further ado, here are some of my goals:

• Reach the target weight set by my team, and accept that this is a minimum as opposed to a limit
• Continue to challenge myself regularly with foods I consider "bad" or "unhealthy"
• Keep fighting to shift the focus from my weight, to other things like my social and artistic strengths
• Continue to expand on my bank of healthy coping mechanisms, and start to pinpoint what has caused me to relapse over and over in the past
• Let go of any remaining things which hinder my recovery, like unhelpful social media accounts and old food diaries 
• Ultimately, reach a state which allows me to go to university later this year.

Before I go, happy #womensmarch day! I pray that today will be a day of great change. Follow my pinterest board for all things feminist. 

 

Your ongoing support gives me so much strength. Oh, and to those of you who have wished me a happy birthday on my social media accounts, thank you!!! I'm overwhelmed by you all. 

So much love

S x

Sunday Thoughts: To Those Who Deserved More

I want to be truthful to myself, and to those who care about me. I think I am finally, at the age of nineteen, starting to realise something: I will never feel ready to make a full recovery from my eating disorder. I will not wake up one morning and decide that now is the time to let go, that now it all makes sense, and I can move on. I have put all of my faith into when and if and one day, but I have lost so much in the process.

On Monday, I was told for the hundredth time that with each passing day I spend in this quasi recovery, the prognosis gets worse. The likelihood of me being forever infertile increases every month. I am fast exhausting all treatment options. But absolutely nothing seems to make it real for me, and in truth, recovery has never been the priority. Even last year, when I spent months in a day treatment facility and was supervised for every meal, I was so detached from the process. As discharge into the community loomed, my tummy bubbled with excitement over the snacks I could "cut out", and the meals I would be "too busy for". I hate myself for this. So many people invested so much time and care into me, and still I chose my illness. I let people tell me I was strong, and inspirational, when I was anything but.

I thought I was doing all the right things, and I fooled those around me into thinking I had turned a corner. Finally. I genuinely fooled myself. But even then, it was not recovery. "I'll gain weight, but I'll maintain the slimmest figure I possibly can." "I'll eat more, just so long as it's not chocolate, or cake." "I'll stop making myself sick, unless I eat too much, in which case I have to, right?" Even now, I'm adamant that I can balance athletic training with weight restoration just fine, but really? It will never work. I am running before I can walk. And I am so angry with myself. I have been so wrong.

☾

"Others are flourishing, and growing, and loving. But it's okay, I'll lose another pound". 

"I do not tell my friends how much I love them. But I skipped breakfast this morning, and that's something". 

"My Mother is so kind, and so gentle, and I take advantage of that. But there is a gap between my thighs, and I feel dizzy if I stand too quickly." 

"I do not deserve their love, their friendship, their kindness. I do not deserve good things, and so I will not fight for them."

A summary of my teenage years.

☾

I have been lying to myself for so long, and all the while I have lost precious years to this illness, precious moments with family. Precious friendships. I have chosen the bully in my head, over the things that are truly valuable, and I will not do it anymore.

The truth is, I didn't develop an eating disorder out of nowhere. When I decided that the perfect solution was to make myself smaller, I was suppressing something really big. Controlling something, avoiding something, running from something. Always. I thought I could let go of my illness, whilst still skirting around the real issue. But I will find it, and I will figure it out. I won't give up until I do.

I have not been an inspiration, a role model, and I have not been brave. I am so sorry.  More than anything, I am sorry to those I pushed away in the process, and if you're reading this, you'll know who you are. I love fiercely, but I have not known how to show you. I'm sorry I didn't try harder. I'm sorry I didn't fight for what mattered.

There are so many things I cannot heal, relationships I cannot rebuild. But I am making a promise to myself, and to you. I will stop lying, stop running from the truth. Stop running altogether for now, if I must. I will not add to the statistic of those who never recover, and I will learn from my mistakes. I will do it in the absence of readiness, and I will do it no matter what.

S xxx

Hi!

I'm Sally and this is my first blog post... not really sure where to begin! I've wanted to start this blog for a really long time, but as with many things, my perfectionism held me back! I felt I needed to know everything. The best servers, domains, templates and so forth, which is a time consuming task! The blogging world is vast.

Yet time is passing, I have so very many things to talk about, and thoughts are getting lost in the everyday hectic-ness. So I've changed my mindset. I've chosen a super basic template and set-up, and I'm beginning from here. This blog will be a work in progress as I learn the ins and outs, but I can still share my ideas and interests in the meantime! Watch this space :)

I'll talk a little bit about me. I'm nineteen years old, and I live in a very beautiful, green part of England. I'm a city girl at heart, but I'm learning to love nature and I'm taking in as much of this area as possible while I can. I'm a student, studying Literature, Sociology and Psychology. Literature is my love. I recently started a new college where I know nobody, but it's been an adventure and I'm finding my feet! I'm also into all things artsy, though I'm definitely no artist. It would be amazing if I could move out and start university next year, but we'll see what happens.

After years of mistreating myself, both physically and mentally, I am on a journey towards self-acceptance and peace. I can't wait to share my progress with others, as I am learning so much with each passing day. I have come across so many beautiful and inspiring souls through YouTube, Instagram and Tumblr, and I'd love to make a post about them, since I can honestly say I'd be in a much different place if it weren't for them. I'm exploring the concept of mindfulness after an awesome course I took over the summer, and in the past year I've discovered a love for running and fitness in general. I am so lucky to have a unique and functioning body, so from here I will take good care of it, and use it to its full potential.

In line with this, I switched to a vegan lifestyle earlier this year after months of research and experimentation. My heart has been so full ever since. It's as though I've woken up after years and years of sleeping. I know this is the way I will live my life, forever. I'm avoiding going into depth now, because I want to give it the attention it deserves in more focused posts! I'm a real foodie as well, and I'm constantly coming up with new recipes, so maybe I can share those? Finally, I discovered the concept of minimalism not so long ago, and I've never looked back! So stay tuned if it's something you might be interested in, as I'd love to discuss it in depth. I'm probably missing out lots of things, but what I'm saying is that this'll be a really diverse and ever-changing blog. It'll be fun though!

I want to add, I've suffered with mental illness for many years,  and while I'm the first to insist that our illnesses do not define us, it's a topic I'll touch on here from time to time. A combination of personal experiences and my time on social media has forced me to realise that mental illness is an immeasurably prominent problem in society today, and there are still so many people suffering in silence. Since I have the means, I think it's my duty to contribute my voice to the topic, which is why I'll try to be totally transparent and real. I've been suffering with Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Anxiety, combined with severe emetophobia, for at least the past six years. About three to four years ago, Anorexia Nervosa came to join the party. I'm well on the road to full recovery, but you can follow my instagram where I talk more about my daily struggles with these.

 


If you're reading this, welcome to my blog! I hope you'll join me on this adventure.

Lots of love,

S xxx