Update: Where am I in terms of recovery?

Hi friends

Today I turn 20, which is both exciting and scary! I'm surrounded by those dearest to me, and my heart is so full.

Anyway, in the midst of the birthday celebrations I've got my reflective head on. I thought I'd make this post about how things are going recently, with regards to my eating disorder recovery in particular. Plus, I've been meaning to get some goals written down for this year, and what better place to do it?

So without further ado, what's been going on?

Well, I'm still having weekly therapy and weigh-ins, three years down the line. This is not so great, although for the first time ever I have a therapist I connect with, and who I'm actively engaging with. We're not doing any formal treatment type, although there are elements of CBT to what we discuss. This is mainly because until now, the more pressing issues have been at least stabilising my weight, and regularising my eating. I'm on top of the latter - in fact I've made huge steps in restoring my weight these past few months. I'm eating consistently and adequately, although admittedly I still struggle with variety, and I mostly don't exceed a maintenance amount (energy-wise). The orthorexic side of my eating disorder is pretty loud these days, most likely due to the whole "if I can't control how much I'm eating, I'll control what I'm eating" sort of thing. That said, I'm munching on chocolate as I type this, so I'm breaking down those walls every day.

Vegan coffee and walnut cake, courtesy of Boston Tea Party
Enjoyed within half an hour of waking up, obviously,

In the past six months, things have taken an enormous 360 degree turn. I've dragged myself out of a dangerous relapse and my life has changed dramatically. I'm in college, I'm making new friends (whilst cherishing my old ones) and I'm loving life. I think the sense of purpose which came with starting college has been hugely important; I'm learning that my problems largely stem from feelings of  laziness and worthlessness.

My biggest struggle currently is accepting my enormous appetite. I hear the concept of 'extreme hunger' thrown about by professionals and so forth but until recent months, although it's not something I've ever experienced in recovery. But man, if this is what I'm experiencing now, then it's hit me like a train. If you don't know what this is, I'll explain it to the best of my understanding. It's basically the process of your body crying out for food following a period of starvation. This often means feeling hungry, heck, ravenous despite eating supposed 'normal' amounts of food. It also means, unless you opt to ignore your body's pleas, that you end up consuming what you perceive as excessive volumes of food. You feel bottomless, and constantly ravenous. In reality, this is your body's way of fixing the energy deficit you've created, and restoring itself to its comfy place as fast as possible. For me, it's been relentless. I can easily consume four times the portion my Mum would eat for dinner, and my tummy will be rumbling within half an hour. I am hungry all the time, and because I struggle mentally with allowing myself to eat until I'm satisfied, I end up grazing on fruits and veggies constantly between meals. I'm not quite there with honouring my body's wishes, unfortunately. It's a work in progress.

My decision to temporarily cease exercise back in November was a good one, and whilst this creates internal battles for me, I am sticking to it. I'm on the hunt for a form of exercise which relaxes me, and which I genuinely enjoy. I'd love to try out yoga and as always, I still love walking. I'll get back to running one day, I'm sure.

2016 was the year I committed to veganism, and it is among the best decisions I've ever made. My eating habits have dramatically changed, and so have my attitudes towards food. Gone are the days of weighing things, obsessively counting calories and tracking my intake. Thank goodness, since all of those things are boring, and now I can shift my focus to other matters. Speaking of focus, I now have something so much bigger than myself to put my energies into. I am more compassionate and conscious in my actions, and I am learning to love my body for what it is capable of. I'm not sure how veganism has bought me all of these things but trust me, it has.

I'm conscious that I've been unwell to some degree for many years, and that with eating disorders, the prognosis gets worse as time goes on. The thought of carrying this illness into my twenties is terrifying, far more so than challenging my eating disorder in the present. I have to let this go, and perhaps this will be the year.

So, without further ado, here are some of my goals:

• Reach the target weight set by my team, and accept that this is a minimum as opposed to a limit
• Continue to challenge myself regularly with foods I consider "bad" or "unhealthy"
• Keep fighting to shift the focus from my weight, to other things like my social and artistic strengths
• Continue to expand on my bank of healthy coping mechanisms, and start to pinpoint what has caused me to relapse over and over in the past
• Let go of any remaining things which hinder my recovery, like unhelpful social media accounts and old food diaries 
• Ultimately, reach a state which allows me to go to university later this year.

Before I go, happy #womensmarch day! I pray that today will be a day of great change. Follow my pinterest board for all things feminist. 

 

Your ongoing support gives me so much strength. Oh, and to those of you who have wished me a happy birthday on my social media accounts, thank you!!! I'm overwhelmed by you all. 

So much love

S x

My Current Favourite Breakfast

Hi guys!

Let me quickly say thank you to anyone who has been reading my blog posts; the messages I've received warm my heart so much. You're amazing!

If you follow me on instagram, you'll know that I've been absolutely loving zoats recently. So much so that I've been making them every day, besides the days I have to leave the house super early. (That said, if you're organised you could make them the night before, or if you're a morning person, you could still enjoy these before school/uni/work).

I'll start off with the basic recipe I've been using:
About 1/2-3/4 cup oats
1 ripe, mashed banana
1/3 of a medium grated zucchini
Enough water to cover all the ingredients and to create your desired consistency.

And that's it! You could use any plant milk instead of water, or a combination of both. I just find that the mashed banana creates the creaminess that the milk would provide, and I'm on a budget so it works best for me. You could also use more or less oats based upon your appetite/requirements; this makes quite a big bowl. And with the zucchini, again, use as much as you like. You can add a sweetener such as maple/agave/date/rice syrup as well, especially if you opt not to the use the banana.

Now here's what I do:

1. Pour the oats and grated zucchini into a pan, along with your water. Have this simmering away in the background while you mash your banana (I use a fork), and get out your (optional) toppings. 
2. Once the oats have been cooking gently for around five minutes, add the mashed banana and mix it through thoroughly. Add more water if it becomes too thick for your liking and if it's too runny, it will thicken up the longer you cook it. 
3. After a couple of minutes, you're done! Add to a bowl.

Now to jazz it up! My favourite part. I've made this breakfast in a variety of different ways so far and I'm not even close to getting bored of it. My favourite toppings are seeds (pumpkin, hemp, chia...), coconut, cacao nibs, nut butter, berries and yogurt (soya and coconut both work so well). I also love stirring in some cacao powder once I've turned off the heat on the stove, as this makes it super chocolatey. I recommend doing it at the end since heating it can diminish some of the nutrients but don't worry, the oats will be hot enough to dissolve it smoothly. Cocoa powder would also work.

A couple of my creations

Oh and finally, let's address the obvious question: why on earth would you add zucchini to your oats, and doesn't it taste dreadful? I was dubious too, but hear me out! Firstly, it's 100% tasteless. The only possibly offensive aspect is the texture, but the longer you cook it, the less noticeable it is. And I really like the texture myself. Secondly, they're filled with good stuff like potassium, iron and various vitamins. Veggies most likely don't feature in your usual breakfast, so this is an awesome way of getting them in whilst still enjoying something sweet and tasty. Let's face it, zucchini is really healthy, but really bland, and I just love eating it this way.

Give it a go, and don't knock it til you try it! 

Love, 

S x

The Body Image Pledge

Hello!

I was inspired to write this after watching Jenny Mustard's video, The Body Image Pledge. This is a pretty personal post, but I don't want to censor myself on this blog and besides, maybe somebody can relate. Let's talk about body image!

I have always had a complicated relationship with my body which, in retrospect, began very early in life. My body has always been a source of shame and embarrassment. As a child, I feared close-fitting clothing and was insistent on wearing a big padded coat at all times, even indoors. Apologies to my Mum; it drove her crazy. As soon as I discovered the link between food and body shape, my childhood became punctuated by secret diets, which were sadly also common playground chat. But the diets were always short lived and besides, I was such a foodie; my appetite was always marveled at (and still is, haha).

My habit of wearing multiple layers in the scorching summer was passed off as me being a "cold person", and any talks about puberty or periods in school made me sick with dread. I was afraid of change, and I wanted to maintain my skinny child-like body forever. I actually remember telling my friends "but I don't want boobs" (nineteen year old me wholeheartedly retracts that).

Such was my fear, that I refused to discuss any relating matters with those around me. And of course, the inevitable happened. Puberty hit me like a train. My face filled out, my hips widened, my legs thickened. I hated everything about this, and felt awkward, self conscious and exposed most of the time. I wanted to be smaller, less noticeable, more discreet. I regret this now.

Body shaming is really commonplace in today's society. On one side of the spectrum, overweight people are shamed and stamped with derogatory labels. On another side, we can become so concerned with eliminating fat shaming, that naturally thin girls are no longer considered "real women". These are only a couple of examples, and this is so wrong. The media breeds self-criticism, so that we can no longer win; we are always too fat, too thin, too masculine, too bulky. Too curvy, not curvy enough. Discussions about important things (art, literature, politics and so on) are being replaced with gossip about which celebrity has or has not succumbed to plastic surgery. Which fad diet to follow, which attributes make us most attractive to men.

Fast forwards to now, and I'm a young woman. It feels strange to say that, but the reality is I'm most likely done growing. I am nothing like I used to be. I still struggle with my body image, and I'm sure that body dysmorphia distorts my view so that what I see in the mirror is innacurate. But by the day, I am more aware of my own strengths and quirks, none of which relate to my physical appearance. My goal is a strong and healthy body, and one which will allow me to go wherever my mind takes me in the future. Whether this body be curvy and full, or slim and athletic, is of no relevance. I no longer aspire to a certain physique, but a new way of seeing. I will engage in healthy habits and look after myself, with the trust that a natural and healthy body will follow.

Now onto Jenny's pledge, which sums this up so perfectly.

www.youtube.com/jennymustard

1. I pledge to shift focus from being pretty & skinny, to being healthy and kind
2. I pledge to never again make a negative comment about another person's body
3. I pledge to stop supporting media that engages in body shaming
4. I pledge to be a positive influence in my own environment

www.youtube.com/jennymustard

It is time to reclaim our bodies. Feel free to join me in this pledge by making changes to how you view yours, and others' bodies.

S xxx

Minimalism: My New Journey

Hello again!

Another introduction type of post here; just thought I'd get these out of the way so that there's some context to what I ramble on about.

Over the past few months, I've come across (and done a great deal of research into) a new concept: minimalism. It instantly appealed to me, so much so that I'm in the process of making pretty big life changes. I'd love it if I can document these via this blog.

Delving into the topic of minimalism was overwhelming at first; there are so many online resources and each seems to define it differently. One of my first realisations was this: minimalism is a personal endeavor, from which one can take what they seek. Fundamentally, minimalism is about living a more meaningful and purposeful life, with less. This extract from The Minimalists blog got me hooked:

Minimalism is a tool that can assist you in finding freedom. Freedom from fear. Freedom from worry. Freedom from overwhelm. Freedom from guilt. Freedom from depression. Freedom from the trappings of the consumer culture we've built our lives around. Real freedom.

That sounds amazing, right? I knew I wanted to pursue it somehow, right from the offset.  The blog I mentioned above is an awesome starting place if you're interested in this, so check it out. Jenny Mustard's becoming minimalist videos on YouTube are really wonderful also; Jenny has been one of my greatest inspirations.

I don't want this to be too long, so I'll let you do a little googling if you're interested. But I have learned a lot about myself so far, including (not limited to) the following:

• I own a lot of things
• I only love a small percentage of these things, and I use even fewer
• I buy things to fill some sort of hole, particularly when I am suffering emotionally
• My wardrobe doesn't reflect my true style, but rather a mish-mash of impulse purchases, as well as far too many pieces which never see the light of day
• I've spent much of my life valuing quantity over quality, not the other way around
• I am stressed out and weighed down by the amount of possessions I am surrounded with

With these realisations, and with the help of some really informative and empowering social media accounts, here are my goals:

• To spend money more consciously, purposefully and compassionately
• To support more individual, ethical and creative businesses
• To gradually reduce my possessions to those which are essential, useful or which I truly love
• To practice gratitude on a daily basis
• To value experiences over possessions, and to pour my energy into meaningful relationships, adventures and projects

I'm so excited, and have already donated loads of my things to grateful recipients. My dream is to move to a new city later this year, and I don't want to be hauling great reams of stuff there, either. However I want to emphasize that minimalism is not so much about reducing your possessions, but on shifting the focus to more important things. 

S x

Saying Goodbye to 2016

Hello again friends!

This is my first post in a while. Sorry about that - college got crazy busy and I decided to wait until the New Year to commit to this blog fully. That said, I have around twenty draft posts waiting to go; I have so much to talk about! Firstly, wishing you a really happy New Year. I hope your festive period has been filled with lots of love and good food. My family really spoiled me this Christmas, and we had a wonderful time.

That said, the pressure to be reflective can get overwhelming at this time of year. For me it always brings up feelings I can't quite name, but really dislike. I don't see the point in over-analysing and reliving the bad bits of 2016; I've learnt from them, and I have really good insight to move forward with. Instead I'll think about the positives, of which there are so many. What you focus on grows, right?

I live a sheltered, privileged life and I have a family who loves me. A roof over my head, a warm bed, good shoes and kitchen cupboards brimming with my favourite foods. My friends are fantastic, and I'm blessed with the means to connect with inspiring souls all over the world. I receive a wonderful education which challenges and expands my mind all the time, and I have a clear set of goals for myself. I am more compassionate, more grateful and more determined than I have ever been. When I focus on all of these things, I know that I should not regret any of this years' events; I am happy with where I am now and I am excited about the future.

Let's talk about New Years' resolutions. There are two parts of me, and these fall into battle as New Year comes around. On one hand, I am frustrated and bored by the empty resolutions of others around me, to "eat healthier" or "go to the gym every day" as soon the calendar flips to January 1st. I don't doubt that they genuinely intend to see this through; I've been there! But I can't help thinking that we are so often setting ourselves up for failure. I despise the notion that we must wait for a new year to come before we initiate positive changes. If we weren't able to go a week without fast food in 2016, how can we expect ourselves to abstain immediately and altogether, now that it's 2017? The subsequent and almost inevitable "falling off the wagon" leads to feelings of inadequacy. In the belief that we have "failed", we so often give up entirely and lose sight of where we truly want to be.

But (and there's always a but), I recognise that fresh starts can be hugely healing. Every day is a fresh start in my life and without this affirmation, I would stumble and fall constantly. And so if, for whatever reason, the New Year brings a renewed sense of motivation and positivity, then run with it! Just so long as your goals are realistic, sustainable and genuinely healthy. Also, check your reasons. For instance if you want to eat more whole foods purely in the pursuit of a thin body, then you most likely won't stick to it. Do it for the mental clarity, the internal health benefits and the planet also.

This morning's zoats - perfect start! 

With that out of the way, I'll share a few of my general goals for 2017:

• Start yoga
• Be more mindful
• Practice more gratitude
• Feed myself well 
• Show more love

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who has supported me this past year. Your kind words and encouragement mean the world to me. Wishing you so much love and peace in 2017. Watch this space for more blog posts!

Love,

S x